Instead of your shame you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours. (Isaiah 61:7)
Between the ages of five and nine I was abused by several different people who told me never to say a word. I carried that shame that I couldn’t talk about into my adult life, a shame so deep I never thought I would deserve the kind of love my heart desired.
Then one night, a stranger approached me and told me everything about my life that I had never spoken to another human being, only the things that God and I knew. And I cried like I don’t think I will ever cry again in my life.
The stranger said, “Now that you’ve emptied yourself of all that junk, I’m going to pray that God’s presence fills every crevice and every crack.” That night, God supernaturally changed my life forever.
When God told me it was time to share my story with others, He led me to the story of Lazarus in John chapter 11. As I got to the part where Mary meets Jesus and she says, “If You would have been here my brother would still be alive,” I instantly had flashbacks of myself as a young girl.
I knew the word of God said that He would never leave me nor forsake me, that He would be with me even until the end, that He had plans for a future and a hope. But that young girl was crying out, “Jesus, if You would have been there…if You are what Your Word says You are…how could You allow that to happen to me?”
Jesus responds to Mary by saying, “Where have you laid him?” Another translation says, “Take me to the place where you have laid him.”
God was telling me that I had to take Christ to the place that I had hidden, the place where my innocence, my purity, all of those hopes and dreams had died, so that He could take away all of my shame.
The whole purpose of Lazarus’ story was for God’s glory to be revealed. And, like Mary and Lazarus, I know the glory of God because of what I went through. I don’t know why people have to face things, but I do know that He can wash away all of the pain and shame we carry.
Whatever you have faced, don’t be afraid. Take Jesus to that place, and He will heal you there.
Amanda Crabb is a singer/songwriter and praise leader, together with her husband Aaron, for Cornerstone Church in San Antonio, Texas.